Ah, neighbors — the foundation of Mr. Rogers’ little utopia.
OPBS / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
In reality, some of the worst human interactions of the modern era take place in neighborhood social media groups.
PBS / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
Nextdoor, Citizen, and neighborhood Facebook groups are all instruments of chaos sent to distract us from ascending to the next* stage of enlightenment.
*TBH, we probably haven’t even reached the first stage yet.
No conflict or gripe is too small to inspire incandescent rage, but one topic in particular stokes the flames of unrest: fireworks.
1.“Gunshot or fireworks? I’m calling the cops either way.”
2.“The Star-Spangled Banner” would sound veeeeery different if this person wrote it.
3.As far as TED Talks go…we’ve seen worse.
4.Bonus points if the fireworks post is intricately entangled with a commenter’s concepts of patriotism and freedom.
5.Of course, some people live for the drama like they’re watching the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Bumblefuck, USA.
Frankly, few things are more entertaining than watching your neighbors duke it out over petty quibbles — especially if they have a flair for the dramatic.
6.Who among us has not hated every single other person among us?
7.The anti-choicer was murdered by the Chalk Slayer, on the driveway, with the uterine art.
8.There are two kinds of people: the First-Line Comment War Soldiers and the Reserve Comment-Liking Reinforcements.
9.Economic trends 🤝 David’s ego → overly inflated
10.And on the seventh day, this hero rested.
12.Finally, we can throw those pesky Slow Children At Play signs away!!!
13.More like homeowners ASSociation, amirite?????
14.Don’t you just hate it when the millennial/Gen Z a-hole living in your mirror accurately reflects your Karen status back at you?
15.Yes, I’m MAGA: Make America Get rid of dingdong ditch Again.
16.URGENT. HELP! HOW DO WE WRITE THIS HERO SON BACK INTO THE WILL?
17.Someone has made QUITE the enemy out of the local Proud Potato-Hating Lexus Owners community.
18.If you’re not sure if you’re in the Racist Facebook Group, you probably are.
19.If you leave home heading west with your dog and only pass 13 American flags in two and a half miles, how much will you embarrass yourself in the subsequent Nextdoor post?
20.Please consider the following options: a. not posting, or b. pulling your entire head out of your ass.
21.One thief if by foot, two thieves if by car.
22.I want to meet the unhinged weirdos who look at Nextdoor posts and think, “I wonder if that person’s single???”
23.TBH, this is just a normal day in Boston.
25.The Lord giveth a shirt, and the Lord taketh that shirt away.
26.A woman goes to the doctor with too many emails. The doctor says treatment is simple, just ask your neighbors to change their email notifications. “But doctor,” she says, “I am their email notifications.”
And sure, there’s occasionally some redeeming wholesome content in these groups. Case in point: animal-spotting.
27.Somewhere in an alternate universe, coyotes are posting in their neighborhood groups about human sightings.
28.The animal identification fights are brutal, but the stakes could not possibly be lower because fledglings don’t know that’s what we call them.
29.If you hear a wild drum solo nearby, you may have spotted an Animal.
But if we’re being honest, there’s only one way to truly end the madness.
30.Escape while you still can!
Never change, neighbors. Your chaos keeps the rest of us sane. <3
20th Television / Giphy / Via media.giphy.com
“There’s no person in the whole world like you, and I like you just the way you are.”